ACL Detox & Contour
We extract “permit ip any any,” renumber lines with dignity, and leave object-groups looking intentional.
from 2,200 session credits
Side suite · Cisco
AnyConnect lounge · Firepower daybeds
Because even an ASA 5525-X needs a soft place to land.
Welcome to the Cisco wing of Firewall Makeover. We specialize in ACL detox, object-group facial mapping, FMC couples counseling, and whispering “you’re still relevant” to platforms that remember PIX fondly.
- 8,192ACEs moisturized
- ∞Smart License emotions
- 1flagship (still Palo Alto)
Multi-vendor campus Palo Alto is still the flagship home page — this is the Cisco side suite. Same spa energy. Different CLI trauma. No packets were configured in the making of this joke.
Cisco treatment menu
Services for tired blue boxes
Firepower Policy Facial
Intrusion policy steam, file policy polish, and a firm talk about prefilter rules that do nothing useful.
from 2,650 session credits
AnyConnect Spa Day
Portal rebrand (emotionally), split-tunnel boundary work, and certificate moisturizing so users stop rage-quitting VPN.
from 3,000 session credits
FMC Couples Counseling
Device ↔ manager trust repair. Deploy history trauma processing. “Why is this still pending” group therapy.
from 4,200 session credits
Smart License Aromatherapy
We cannot fix licensing. We can light a candle, validate tokens, and sit with you in the feelings.
from 1,500 session credits
NAT Exemption Hot Stone
Twice NAT realignment, identity NAT self-care, and a reminder that order matters more than your feelings.
from 1,900 session credits
Active/Standby Couples Package
Failover cable massage, state sync reconciliation, and “please don’t both go active” boundary setting.
from 4,800 session credits
TAC Case Meditation
Guided breathing while you attach show tech. Mantra: “the engineer will respond.” Optional incense: severity 3.
from 900 session credits
Signature treatment
Full Secure Firewall Contour
ACL detox + Firepower facial + FMC therapy + AnyConnect day. Ends with a ceremonial write memory (metaphorical).
from 9,500 session credits
Curated packages
Pick your blue destiny
Express Refresh
ASA 5500-X day spa
- ACL tidy (top 50 lines)
- Interface description poetry
- One free “clear xlate” affirmation
850 session credits
SelectMost booked
Firepower Radiance
FTD + FMC couples suite
- Full policy facial
- Deploy anxiety management
- Snort rule brow lift
- Complimentary show version selfie
4,200 session credits
SelectCampus Royalty
Data center / multi-context VIP
- HA couples package
- AnyConnect spa day
- TAC case meditation retreat
Price upon syslog
SelectFrom the chassis
Testimonials
“I had 4,000 ACL lines and no comments. After the detox I still have 3,900, but now I feel seen.”
“FMC couples counseling taught us that a failed deploy is not a personal attack. It’s a growth opportunity. And a reopen.”
“AnyConnect Spa Day didn’t stop users from blaming the VPN. It did make my portal prettier while they blame the VPN.”
“I visited the Palo Alto flagship first. Cute. Then I came here. Home is where the object-groups are.”
Reservations · Cisco suite
Book a makeover
Nothing is submitted anywhere. Pure theater. Your data stays in the browser.
- Bring a recent show tech (emotionally)
- HA pairs book as couples
- Prefer Palo Alto? The flagship suite never closed
Fine print
FAQ
Is this real Cisco support?
No. Comedy suite only. For real issues, use TAC, your partner, or a proper change window.
Why is Palo Alto still the main page?
Because it’s the flagship. Cisco, Fortinet, Juniper, and Check Point get full side suites — linked from the sticky bar on every page.
Affiliated with Cisco?
Nope. Cisco, ASA, Firepower, AnyConnect, Secure Firewall, and related names are trademarks of their owners. Used here for jokes only.
Your access-list is one facial away from greatness.
Or visit the Palo Alto flagship if your chassis has main-character energy of a different color.
Book the Cisco suite